t Motivated, Will He Drag You Down?

I am 35 years old and I live with my boyfriend who is 26 years old. We met online while playing video games on PS4 in April 2017. This is my first relationship and honestly I wasn't looking for love, as I had a tough life growing up with an overprotective and controlling father. which didn't let me go out much. Also, my father mourned the loss of his brother (my uncle) for 10 years, which made life very difficult for my mother, my siblings and me.

I am educated and have a master's degree but I still live with my parents. I was ambitious and had dreams like wanting to have a career, buy a house and then start a family. However, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia in 2010 and that changed everything. I had to rethink my career several times. This year I even completed an accounting course in hopes of improving my prospects, but realized it wouldn't fit due to the lack of part-time positions. So currently I am unemployed. My boyfriend dropped out of school because his father became very ill with cancer and died when he was 16. He never got any advice because the doctor just told him to get over it. So I often feel like he had a rough start and it's not his fault because he didn't have the support that I had. He lives in an apartment and is also unemployed.

At first, I was very uncomfortable with our age difference and when we first exchanged photos, I wasn't sure if I felt any attraction. He is aware of my medical conditions and has accepted them and my OCD. He was more sure of me than I was of him and that made me feel bad. I told her how I felt, which made us both cry. I told him I was sorry and tried to pull away a bit, but I missed him so much so we started talking again. Last year, after knowing him for about 5 months, I asked for some space, as we are celebrating everyday chatting via PlayStation from morning until late at night. He would expect me to stay in the chat even if we weren't talking or doing different things, like when I was watching TV with my mom. After having a few doubts after a few disagreements, I needed to see how I felt and reflect. We agreed on the duration, but he broke that agreement when he saw that I was playing a game with another friend I met online. Maybe it was jealousy. I'm not really sure. However, some alarm bells have been ringing. Then, before the time was up for me, he texted me to tell me that he was worried about his mother and that she was taking a test to check if she might have a disease. Fearing that his mother was seriously ill, as he had told me that family members on his mother's side also had cancer, I joined in a discussion with him to see if she was okay. Apparently she was fine and didn't have her result yet. The strangest thing is that he never really talked about it again after that. So I asked him once and he told me everything went well. Anyway, I told her maybe we should slow down and stay friends to see how things go. He told me it was too late and we were past that. Fearing losing his friendship and not knowing if he was right for me, we carried on as before.

Time passed and things got better between us, even though I tried to be careful. We started talking about the future, moving him to be with me, getting married, going to Disneyland for our honeymoon, starting a family. Then I realized he had no passport or birth certificate. My mother, wanting me to be happy, phoned the passport office and the registration office to help my boyfriend and even offered to pay for his birth certificate, but he was stressed and said he would sort it out before coming. As for making a passport, I even offered to fill out the form online if that helped. All he had to do was give me the information and have two passport photos taken and signed. When we talked about the fact that he needed them signed by people who had known him for two years and who were professionals. He said there was really no one there. I suggested he could ask his doctor and/or dentist. He told me he doesn't really go to the dentist because there's nothing wrong with his teeth and he hasn't been to the doctor since he was told to recover from the death of his father. Then he told me it wasn't that important, we can go somewhere in London and he'll have one later. I was disappointed, but then I thought he was right and as long as we were together it didn't matter, right?

This year, in August, I made the effort to visit him in person. I thought we would have the best time and my mom and brother came with me. I paid for my boyfriend's hotel room and we picked him up from his house. He had never stayed in a hotel before and because it was my idea and I was in a better financial situation as I was still living at home, I didn't mind paying for it. Mostly because he was the person I loved and potentially spent my life with if all went well. I also bought him a tote so he had a change of clothes and toiletries, which I put in my suitcase. Once we arrived in the town where he lived, he met us on a random street because he didn't want us to pick him up from his apartment. I had a conversation with him about this a month before our visit. I asked for his address so we could pick him up. His answer was that he would meet us somewhere else. I asked why and he got really defensive. I had also asked if I could send him a birthday card and he just told me to bring it when you come to visit as our visit date was a few days after his birthday. Again I asked for a reason why he didn't want us to come to where he lived and told him we wouldn't go inside and just wait outside. Then I started to think he was embarrassed by me. That's when he got angry. He still couldn't answer me. Then I asked if it was because the neighborhood was not good. He said yes and started saying he was just trying to protect me. In my mind, I kept wondering why he didn't say that. Anyway, I give up. I even ordered him a birthday cake and took presents for his 26th birthday. However, when we met, it was so different from what I imagined. He was socially awkward and quiet. It was nothing like I imagined. It was as if we were strangers. He looked a little different from his photo. He was much skinnier and he had started to lose his hair and showed up in joggers that seemed too big for him and a hoodie. My mother and brother thought he hadn't tried very hard, because they said he could have at least trimmed his beard. I overlooked those things, thinking it didn't matter because I fell in love with his personality and he just didn't have the support I had. This is the same guy who sent me "good morning" and "good night" messages, asked me if I had taken my meds, and said, "I love you." However, I tried so hard to talk to him, as we have done many times before, but he didn't say much. I could not understand.

On our first outing together, at the Giant's Causeway, my mother and my brother even left us alone to talk. Even then, he wouldn't say much. There was a tour bus and I just said there was enough space for him to walk on the path next to me and he just said he wasn't going to hit it. Also, when a man asked if we were on the tour, I said "no, sorry, we're not". When the man left us, my boyfriend said "do we look like ******* tour guides?". I just told him the man was probably looking for the rest of his tour group. I was still very surprised by my boyfriend's reaction. The man wasn't rude and just asked a question. When we visited the causeway, I also slipped on the stones and even that wasn't enough for my boyfriend to check if I was okay. My mother was the first to notice and help me. Then my boyfriend asked me if I was okay once my mom was a few feet away. The next day, when we were alone, he told me that his heart stopped when I fell. I felt confused. If he was so worried, why didn't he come to see if I was okay and help me up. I asked him about it when I got home as it bothered me. He just said he didn't know if he had the right to touch me. For the rest of the trip, I felt like I was the one trying to start a conversation. He would never really make eye contact and when he answered it would be a very short answer.

When I got home and we talked in a group chat, he was back to normal. Apparently the reason he didn't talk much was that he was just shy. So, since I came back from my trip, I feel more and more confused. He didn't make the best impression on my mum and brother because they think he didn't try very hard and so they felt he wasn't right for me. Mostly, because he was socially awkward, they wondered how he could find a job. Also, my mom is worried that I haven't had the easiest life and feels like I'm going to end up having to take care of my boyfriend. At the same time, they said it was my decision.

I tried to ask him about the job and the type of work he did. He just said there weren't many opportunities where he lived. I even asked how he felt about going back to university to get GCSE English and Maths to improve his prospects and that I would support him. His answer was why, he wasn't going to be a doctor anytime soon. I was taking driving lessons so I suggested maybe he could learn too. Then we could talk about it and help each other. He told me he couldn't learn to drive because he doesn't like being told what to do. It also made me question our future together. I realized that he didn't have much motivation. He said he wanted kids with me, but all I could think about was what kind of future would we give them? Did I know his education and professional situation before? Yeah, but I thought money wasn't everything and if we loved each other we would be able to support each other and motivate each other and get through anything.

Everything kept spinning in my head, ie, how my mom and brother were feeling, how my boyfriend was in person and before. I couldn't understand if we were made for each other. Although my mother said that if I felt he was right for me, I wouldn't mind what other people thought.

I talked to my boyfriend about not being 100% sure of my feelings for him. and that I didn't want to train him. I also suggested that maybe we could take some time apart so I could see how I felt. His response was "No, you've had it before." As for not being 100% sure, he said “you will never be 100% sure” and “why can't you just be happy…. ?'. Then when I explained that it wasn't fair to him if I wasn't 100% sure like he was to me, his response was 'you'll regret it'. I think he meant that if I ended things with him, I wouldn't be happy. Then he said he was ok with me not being sure and somehow things continued as before even though I didn't say 'I t' likes” as much as before and I couldn't help but feel that this situation wasn't fair for him and I had to make a decision. I started to feel stressed and hurt thinking about it every day. Then my mom suggested to pray and trust God and enjoy each day and see what happens. That's what I did.

Then the other day I was watching a movie and my boyfriend was playing his game. We were in a group chat as usual. Towards the end of my movie, he started playing music on his phone. I told him I was going to take my headphones off while I finished watching the movie. When I handed them over, I told him that I felt he didn't respect that I was watching a movie and that he could have listened to his music on YouTube without disturbing me. He said 'you've seen it before. You could write the script' and 'it wasn't even that strong'. I told him he knew how hard I had to concentrate and was just trying to enjoy the movie. He started saying "Well you shouldn't have rushed your game then you wouldn't be bored". I told him that I was not bored. He kept going at me like that for five minutes saying that I shouldn't have rushed my game and that it didn't matter if he was playing music because I had already seen it. I told him that he is the one who always tells me to stay in the chat. He replied that I was throwing that in his face. Apparently he was just teasing me, but I ended up saying "it's okay with you". If you're not gaming, just watch YouTube or go to bed. I need more than that. At that time, he told me that he was joking and that I could be very mean sometimes. I felt so bad and cried. I don't wish to hurt anyone. :( I apologized and he said he wasn't upset but then he said if that's what I really thought he really didn't care. The truth is that's what does my boyfriend. He plays games, watches YouTube, and even takes naps while we're in a party chat together. He takes every day and seems content with life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but can "Maybe he's too laid back. Also, lately, it feels like he's not even listening to what I'm saying when I talk to him. If I ask, if he's listening, he'll say yes , you were talking about… When I realize he has no idea, I tell him not to worry. Then he keeps asking until I tell him. I confronted him with this topic and he told me it was my headset that was the problem and he couldn't hear me. I also told him it was like he wasn't trying too hard with me anymore. I know that the distance makes it difficult island but we used to watch movies together. He said it's because there hasn't been much and he doesn't usually watch TV and he was the one who suggested we watch ch the last two movies we watched . The thing is, we only recorded them to watch because I suggested it. Then every time I ask if we should watch a movie, he tells me maybe tomorrow because he watches YouTube. So he asked me if I wanted to watch something just to make a point. I said no because we were trying to chat and I was upset. Then my mom asked me if I wanted to watch something with her. I said okay. So my boyfriend got mad at me because of it. He told me he wasn't upset, but I could tell. He had his microphone muted and usually he always told me when he was leaving the cat to get food or go to the bathroom as I told him. This time there was nothing, not even a message. When the movie ended and my mom went to bed I tried to talk to him but thought he might be upset so he didn't answer. I left the chat and decided I was tired anyway. Also, my mom noticed I was upset earlier and said maybe we just needed some time away from each other. Then he texted me saying he didn't hear me because he was eating. I replied saying 'It's ok, please don't worry. I'm tired. Go get some sleep. See you tomorrow. xxx'. He replied 'it's not fair how you treat me i didn't do anything i went to get some food and i came back and i said hello but you left". i didn't reply thinking it was late and we would finish probably by saying things we would regret. I considered talking to him the next day, but I remembered what he had said to me when we had a disagreement before. He said "I'm not going to run after you."

Anyway, sorry for the long message Laurie. I just needed to get this out somewhere. As for your article, my story is relevant because my mom and brother both feel like my boyfriend is going to pull me down because of his lack of motivation, but sometimes I feel like they are too close to the situation. I thought loving me would motivate him to want to do something so we could have a better life together. I tried to accept a lot of things, but he's starting to feel like he doesn't want to meet me halfway and is content with his life. Also, since I came back from meeting him, before we had our disagreement, I can't help but think that if he moved to be with me, how could he get a job if he didn't. doesn't like being told what to do, gets upset if you ask him something he's already told you and he has no ambition...?

God bless you Laurie and thank you. I think you are doing an amazing thing helping people.

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