Funny Quotes About Air Traffic Controllers

aviation quotes - recent additions - warning: occasional fruity language

Due to the nature of these stories, the flight terminology below may not always be technically correct and may also be changed or explained in part for the benefit of non-aeronautics.

I am grateful for these ATC and Aviation quotes and stories sent to me by various people. Thank you. Please keep them coming.

By Zany Afandi (August 2017)

One evening in the month of Ramathan (Ramazan) when most Muslims fast during the day, I was about to start eating and drinking. We were looking forward to dinner as we had not eaten during the day. this time, a turkish airline pilot contacted our tower and said "GOOD EVENING Suli Tower". Unfortunately, because I was very busy eating and the food was extremely hot, I became very distracted, and after Hearing the call, I inadvertently answered the pilot "HELLO SIR". It was around 7:30 p.m. local time. After a brief pause, he replied, "

Good bye captain and good flight

". He thought I was in the air!

From J Patterson (October 2016):

I was in the RAF in the early 1960s, stationed at Changi, Singapore. (Seletar was the nearby civilian airport.) I was working as a technician in the local ATC when an American plane took off, circled from the airfield, then called the Changi tower. Am I pointing in the right direction for Seletar?..."

From R Hankin (June 2016):

During my national service (1959-61) I spent most of the tower at RAF Debden, an airfield steeped in WWII history, but by the time I got there, it was much quieter in operational terms. Occasionally, pilots assigned to Debden for a ground excursion (i.e. not flying) would like to take to the air. They did this while flying an old Debden-based aircraft - a twin-piston Avro Anson "tail dragger" (i.e. two main landing gear wheels and one non-retractable tail wheel). One of these pilots, returning from a leisurely journey over the East Anglian countryside on a sunny afternoon, aborted an approach to land because he saw only two cockpit lights indicating that the landing gear was down and locked. With growing panic in his voice, he requested a low pass over the tower so that an inspec Visual observation could be made of the perceived problem with his nose gear (wheel). It was only after an exasperated sigh from the controller that the pilot realized he had none...

From S Dee (November 14, 2011):

a lesson in making assumptions.

Heard this amusing exchange while waiting for passengers to board my island-hopper, July 2010, Penzance field, UK.

Visiting light aircraft (in a classy English accent): “Penzance tower, Cessna Light G123 requests approach instruction and landing?” Penzance tower (in a broad Scottish accent): “G123, Penzance tower is the welcome to my airspace, unfortunately we do not accept your class, divert on heading and approach contact on Lands End."Visiting light aircraft: "Tower Penzance, negative, request approach instructions, my landing has was approved earlier, I'm with my partner and will be landing for the day. Penzance tower, "G123 is still negative. Penzance airfield is a helipad. I would strongly suggest diverting to Penzance airfield Lands End."Visiting plane, "Tower Penzance, please confirm you are heading to Lands End.."

(The story above is a lesson in making false assumptions - particularly when a stationary obstacle is misinterpreted as moving - in this case producing acute discomfort as the position was motivated by a wish to impress a petite For a similar lesson on false assumptions and stationary obstacles see the

very funny naval standoff story

in the

stories

section.)

From R Brown (April 19, 2011):

A few years ago at our air traffic center we received a warning that an undisclosed number of US Air Force B2 bombers would cross our FIR [Flight Information Region] at a particular time and on a particular day. .They checked in with us when they entered our airspace and checked again when they left.They gave us the call sign and the route was known so it was logical to assume they would contact us at a certain time at a certain place. The call sign and reporting points have been changed to protect the innocent. Being then the famous new "Stealth" bombers, we would know little about it, but they would do us the courtesy of letting us know they were there. Eric, a very capable controller with a keen sense of humor, was in position and heard, “UAE zone, that's USAFB2. This is a courtesy call advising that we are about to enter your airspace. Eric replied, "USAFB2, welcome to UAE airspace, we have you on radar 200 miles above LOTUS, I hope you enjoy your visit." Without thinking, the Stealth Bomber replied, "Thank you, UAE, it's a pleasure to be... Wait, you put us on Radar? At 200 miles? You shit on me?” "It's USAFB2 affirmative," Eric said, "Shit on you. Have a nice visit."

Also from R Brown:

I worked at an international airport in the Middle East a few years ago a local hero there and a good full egg Tom in the tower one day got a call from the electricity guys on the way to do their daily checks. “Tower, Electric One. Request permission to cross the runway from Yankee.” “Electric One, Tower. Hold.” Seconds later, Tom gets another call, “Tower, Electric One. Request permission to cross the track from Yankee."Tom replies, "Electric One, Tower. Hold on." Seconds later, the same call, "Tower, Electric One. Request permission to cross the track from Yankee." Tom replies, "Electric One - If you look to your right, you'll see a Garuda 747 about to land. If you have the bullets, you have permission." After a few seconds, "Electric One - Holding."

And also from R Brown:

It was protocol to virtually shut down the airport when the ruling sheikh, affectionately known to expats in the UAE as Big Zed, was traveling. Tom, an avid poker player, sat in front of the screen. he airport has been temporarily closed to traffic and planes are on standby, expecting it to open in a few minutes, when Tom received a call, "Abu Dhabi, this is XYZ12, we are requesting permission to land immediately. "Tom advises, 'XYZ12 hold on for now, the track will be available in 10 minutes, as previously advised.' is XYZ12; we have a VIP on board, and he insists that we be allowed to land immediately. you won't” “Big Zed?” asks XYZ12. where the response is heard, "It's XYZ 12 please advise when the track is available."

From Hal (April 19, 2011):

While training (as a young lieutenant in the US Navy in 1967) at NAS Beeville, Texas, we were tasked with adding three night bombing flights to the air-to-ground program, which had previously been daytime only. .I made the first flight of four on the target about 80 miles from Beeville between Alice and Laredo.Upon arrival we found the target completely obscured in fog and had to return home.Our fire officer operations decided that we needed to provide simple weather observation training to the people at the range, so a guy from wx [weather specialist - wx is morse code for weather] came down and gave the crew a short two or three hour lesson in how to report the weather. Next time I had a flight there I called the range and asked them what the weather was like. shot said, "Sir, the weather is clear, visibility 1/16 of a mile." I couldn't understand what that meant, so I asked him what the restriction on visibility was. He replied, "Why, sir, is it dark..."

And also from Hal:

It was 1990 when I was a 727 instructor for Delta Airlines in Georgia On a 727 trainer working in Augusta we were hammering VFR landings when the tower told us to extend upwind to follow a US Air Fokker in a straight line. I called back and told the tower I would take a break and had the Messerschmidt in sight. The key microphone laughter lasted until I went base.

(Hal also added - You will have heard the old joke about the old fighter pilot telling a high school class about dogfights with German fighters in WWII. The pilot went on fighting the Fokkers indefinitely when the teacher "The Fokker was a German fighter model. The pilot said, 'Yeah, but those Fokkers were Messerschmidts.'

From Jim (August 2010):

In 1978, I was a trainee air traffic controller under supervision at Collage Station Texas, Easterwood Tower. This is the true story of a radio discussion one afternoon:

Unknown plane: “Hello?..” Tower Easterwood (me): “Please repeat.” UA: “What?” ET: “Who is it?” UA: “This is Joe” ET: “This is Easterwood tower, where are you?” UA: “I'm on the plane! (I looked along the flight line, checking to see if anyone was sitting in a parked plane playing with the saw nothing, and the main controller was becoming more interested in my handling of the situation.) ET: "Joe, where's the pilot?" UA: "He got out when the engine started stopped..” (I could only imagine a bizarre scenario where the pilot had jumped out of the plane.) ET: “Joe, what's your airspeed reading? UA: (Long pause) “Zero?” (So the (plane was now in a stall I thought.) ET: "Joe, whatever you have in front of you - a stick or a steering wheel - push it forward - you need to get the airspeed over your wings! UA: “Are you sure?” AND: “Yes Joe you have to push it forward... (pause)... What's your anemometer reading now?” UA: "It's still zero." (I thought, oh my god, Joe's plane was going into a spin. I couldn't help it. Joe was going to die. I did not know what to do. I looked towards the main controller. him where's his plane.") ET: "Joe, where's your plane?" UA: "We parked at the end of the runway, the pilot got out when the engine stopped and went back to the hangar." ET: “Joe, turn off the radio.”

From Sue (July 2010):

I heard this on the radio on my cross country flight today. I'm not giving the call sign of the plane because the trainee is in enough trouble already.

Controller: I have you on radar, indicate your intentions. Pilot: May I fly in circles sir? Controller: Negative, you are currently in busy airspace. Pilot: Ok then, I will fly in a straight line.

From Dr P Rutherford (May 2010):

This happened while I was serving in Vietnam. As our unit had particularly capable radio equipment, we were often tasked with listening on different networks to support ground or air crews experiencing communication difficulties for various reasons. One conversation in particular had me cringing for hours afterwards. I can't remember the callsigns, so I'll call them A and B. Callsign A (ground crew): “Indicator B. What is your position? Over.” Call sign B (Birddog aircraft): “I'm in the Hat Dich area. Over.” Call sign A: “Say your position again. Done." Callsign B: "I'm in the Hat Dich area, I repeat, Hat Dich region. Done." Callsign A: "Sorry. Repeat location. Done" Callsign B: "I'm in the hat - like in the head - Dich - like in the head, the area. Done." Callsign A: "Roger out."

From AW (Mar 2010):

I met an SR-71 pilot a few years ago. (The SR-71 was the USAAF's advanced "stealth" reconnaissance aircraft known as the Blackbird). He told me this story on his first flight with a new co-pilot: an SR-71 and its crew were flying over Southern California when a bug smasher hit the airwaves in a dumb voice: Cessna 152: Ground Control, what's my speed? Ground control: 100 at FL 100. Moments later, an arrogant voice is heard: Mooney M20: Ground control, What is MY speed? Ground control: 240 at FL 240. At this point, the pilot SR was bubbling, but since communications were the responsibility of his new co-pilot, he remained silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable, the co-pilot typed in: SR-71: Ground Control, What's our speed? ?Ground control: 6:75 p.m. at FL 800. There was no more speed control called that afternoon, th t the pilot knew he had a nice partner in the back seat.

From Dave (March 2010):

I was told this story by an air traffic controller when he was at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot asked for the cleared to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic, ATC told him he would have to wait. After a repeated impatient request from the F-4 to take off, ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14 000 feet in half the length of the runway he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To ATC's surprise, the F-4 pilot recognized the tower and began taxiing. the F-4 climbed vertically until it reached 14,000 feet, then leveled off. ATC had no choice but to hand the pilot back to departures and wish him a good day, since he had met the conditions. ATC said it was the most horrible thing he had ever seen.

From Stewart (March 2010):

Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707, we were about the eighth of fifteen planes waiting. !»JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said the fuck?" First plane in line (gave the callsign): "I didn't say FUCK." Quickly followed by the second in line (gave the callsign): "I didn't say FUCK." Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I didn't say FUCK" response.

Another time we were about fourth in a long line to take off in our biggest Boeing. ATC JFK cleared a B737 on a local flight to take a shortcut and start its takeoff roll in joining the main runway from a taxiway forcing us to wait for it to take off and clear. “How do you like 'em apples?” he said on the local VHF as he began his takeoff run. Boeing planes had a horn for major problems that you can test. Halfway through the B737's takeoff run, "someone" held their cockpit microphone up to the horn and pressed it while he was testing it. The B737 abruptly aborted the takeoff with full reverse and full braking and came to a shuddering stop, the tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: “ How do you like apples?

From L Miller (January 2010):

A British Airways 737 landed in Frankfurt am Main. The tower controller, obviously in a frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the center line, I think. Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I'm a little left of the center line. And my co-pilot is a little right of it. "

A KingAir had just spun (removed the runway) on takeoff when there was a huge bang and the starboard engine caught fire. After tapping the rudder to set asymmetric thrust, tried feathering the propeller and carried out the engine fire drills with great composure and poise, the stress took its toll on the captain... He conveyed to the tower in a friendly level voice: "Ladies and gentlemen. He doesn't There's no problem but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then went over the cabin intercom and shouted to the passengers, "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. will not feather. If I can't hold this asymmetrical, we're going inside. Emergency landing. Get the rescue team out. "The plane landed safely, the passengers' hair bristling.

The late Captain Mickey Munn - a good all-rounder, a very experienced pilot and at the time a sergeant for the Red Devils (UK Parachute Regiment display team) - flew a Britten Norman Islander to jump altitude with a full load of hairy-paras piled into the rear of the plane. Without any warning, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he controlled the plane. As soon as the plane was straight and level, he turned to his passengers and said, “Whew. I think you should…” But his words trailed off as he stared open-mouthed at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paratroopers had jumped out of the plane and were now floating serenely down to earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale. (Thank you L Miller for these three wonderful stories.)

From P de Bromhead, December 2009:

My late father, who was on Fleet Air Arm Buccaneers, told this story involving a pilot operating on an exchange agreement from an overseas developing country. My father was sitting waiting for clearance takeoff when he heard the exchange pilot somewhere requesting a "bearing" from ATC (air traffic controller). This was duly given and after a few minutes a second "bearing" was requested .It was the same as the first and after a third identical "bearing" was requested and given, ATC asked the exchange pilot if he had any visual references. The pilot replied that he had a haystack on the starboard side and then it turned out that he had gotten lost in the taxiway.

From S Smith, November 2009:

I was working local control for Runway 25 at LAX one afternoon and a pilot reported a "flight of seagulls" on final approach. Without hesitation, I replied, "Was it the flock or the birds? got absolutely no response from the pilot... I guess not everyone has a sense of humor!

And in the same vein, from J Douglass, November 2009:

(December 2007, Seattle Washington)

Pilot: “Boeing Tower, Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha for a Mercer Departure at Alpha Niner with X-Ray information.” Tower: “Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, runway 13 right, perform Mercer departure.” Pilot: “Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, taxiing." 45 seconds later... Co-pilot: "Boeing tower, watch out, there's a flock of seagulls near the south end of runway 13 on the right at 400 feet. "Tower: (singing) "And I ran, I ran so far...I just ran, I ran all night and day...I had to run..." Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha has a sense of humor...." Tower: (hysterical laughter)

(The lyrics are actually taken from the chorus of the 1982 hit song "I run" by A Flock of Seagulls.)

From Chris, July 2009:

This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Airport in Florida in 1975. The tower was open from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. and most of the traffic was during the day. There was a domestic flight every evenings around 8:30 p.m. and there was often a joker behind the wheel. On a dark night after the transfer from Tampa, the controller hears: "Tower Sarasota, National123 with you...(pause)...guess where?" The controller quickly turned off all the airport lights - there was no other traffic - and replied, "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactly 10.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing. The controller turned the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land.

And another from Chris: As a controller at a small, busy airport in Florida, my story is of a student pilot talking on the ground one IFR morning (IFR stands for Instrument Flight Rules, necessitated by cloudy skies). At the time the transmission was made, there was a ceiling of 800 feet (cloud) with a visibility of 2 miles in light haze. Here is the communication - Student Pilot: On the ground is Student Pilot N12345, and my instructor wants to know how high the ceiling is in the tower. Ground controller: Cessna 12345...it's about eight and a half feet. a national pilot made similar comments. Student pilot returned to the radio. Student pilot: OK...my mistake...what is the reported weather ceiling at this time? Ground controller: 800 overcast ..

R Dillon sent the following, March 2009:

A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee, airport told me of an incident several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (small 4-seater plane) to land. As the Cessna passed on final approach, an airliner called "over the marker" (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about half a mile from the runway, and the controller knew it could land and clear the runway long before the airliner landed, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. Seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far is this 737 behind me? Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot clicked his microphone and said in a deep voice, "Don't look back!..."

P White, Sept. 2008, sent

this great story, in the longer stories section below

J Mears, August 2008, sent this funny exchange between pilot and engineer via technical failure report forms... We received a failure report from the pilot of an HH-60 Pave Hawk (search and rescue helicopter from combat). The Pilot Error Report stated, "The Pilot's side seat cushion will not cushion." The Engineer's Corrective Action on the Reply Form stated, "Put Pilot on Fat Boy ..." From E Haigh, March 2008 - Thought I'd let you know of a time when I was in the air doing eros (acrobatics) and returning to circuit when one of my other friends was coming ashore... On contact with the runway, the friend's plane veered left and crashed, narrowly avoiding a large, very deep pond, just to the left of the runway about to taxis stop. The pilot still managed to signal, "Runway cleared..." The airfield had a fit of laughter, and luckily, although the plane was amortized ent very mutilated, no serious injuries were sustained. From DG, February 2008 - In initial pilot training bases for the military, the landing plane tends to be crowded (sometimes up to 12-15 planes for a runway) and some of those planes are flown by solo students (yes, a 4 million dollars worth of taxpayers money being thrown around a strip of concrete at 200 knots by a freshly 23 year old out of college with less than 30 hours of flying experience). Anyway, I was sitting a watch in the runway control tower on a particularly busy day, when one of my buddies from my class, who was flying solo at the time, did a PIREP (pilot report) for the model: Solo: “It's Solo 72, there's some turbulence at the initial point.” Controller: “Thanks for the 'warning.'Some instructors also fly in the circuit: 'This is called wake turbulence.'(The term 'point initia l" refers to approximately 3 miles from the runway, used to prepare the landing alignment. The term "wake turbulence" refers to air turbulence caused by other aircraft.) From "An Aircraft Mechanic", Jan 2008 - My instructor for My A&P (Airframe and Powerplant) training related a funny story from the 1980s... He had landed in Egypt to refuel the Gulfstream he was flying. On takeoff, he noticed a guard standing in what looked like a refrigerator box. With the guard behind him, my instructor pumped up the throttle - which sent the guard frantically about 20 yards...

Excerpt from Rich, November 2007 (non-amateurs may want to

read the technical explanation first

) - This allegedly happened while I was off duty during the shift, so I can't verify. Korea, and wanted to land first because of his rank and position. The tower controller was extremely busy picking up the mission F-4s and OV-10s, not to mention the planes that were on final approach with approach control .The controller sequenced the F-4 and gave it a reporting point.The pilot refused stating that "It was his airport and he wanted to land" (it was not his airport as he would learn later late from a 3 star and a 1 star). "airport. Maintain radio silence unless an emergency situation exists. Report minimum fuel approach."The aircraft's response was: "Roger Tower, we're number 5 and will report an end-of-start interrupt." The controller didn't come out of the situation unscathed. He had to take some pretty severe chewing, but there weren't any more issues like that. Especially when 'he's busy. And another one from Rich - This is an event that actually happened under my watch. Brand new trainee at a North Dakota base establishment. He scans the runway with binoculars and tells the local controller that he has a “dog” on the runway. The local controller says to a B-52 on final: “Go around. Dog on the trail. I told the trainee that he might want to let me know what breed the dog was, as I had never seen a dog with antlers. The "dog" was a 2,000 bull moose. lb. This guy always takes the flak on that one, even though he deserved a stop for catching it before the rest of us.

From Bob Andersen, November 2007 - In November 1996 I was in an Angel Flight Piper Cub bound for Tampa International Airport. I was there because I got a call from Tampa General Hospital. Tampa telling me a heart would be ready for me. Angel Flight planes are free for transplant recipients. The pilot called the tower and told them who we were. ATC said we couldn't land because that President Clinton was there and the Secret Service wouldn't let us land. (This was right after his California fiasco with his $400 haircut.) The pilot told ATC he would call the press and the TV stations and let them know that a heart catcher couldn't land because POTUS (president of the United States) was there .I think they thought of the bad publicity and said they would would hold and let us land, and that they would escort us to the hospital. ns felt this was not a good idea due to ground traffic wanting to get a glimpse of Clinton, and so we would have to use the general airport instead. We did and arrived on time at the airport and in the hospital. It turned out that the heart was not good, but I waited another few weeks and finally got a heart on January 7th. It was a big heart like you can see I'm still alive almost 11 years after the operation. (My thanks to Bob Andersen - illustrating that persistence, determination and adaptability can overcome the most formidable obstacles.) By Dennis Rainwater, October 2007 - J'ai une conversation (enfin, presque) personnelle ATC/Pilote que je pensais partager avec tu.J'étais météorologue à l'USAF à la fin des années 80 et au début des années 90, et pendant que j'étais stationné à RAF Woodbridge en Angleterre, je traînais souvent avec un contrôleur dans la cabine de la tour juste au-dessus de notre bureau.Cet homme a partagé avec moi une histoire qui, selon lui, lui est arrivée personnellement.Je ne peux pas garantir à 100% l'authenticité de cette histoire, mais le gars était généralement crédible... De plus, un détail ou deux pourraient être brouillés par ma propre mémoire défaillante au cours des 15 à 20 dernières années, mais voilà: Mon ami dit qu'il entraînait une recrue ATC - je pense qu'il a dit que c'était à Nellis AFB.Quoi qu'il en soit, un jour, ce gamin reçoit un appel d'un avion demandant une autorisation au FL 800 (80 000 pieds)... Rookie (goutte de sarcasme): !!!"Pilote du SR-71 à l'autre extrémité de la radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...." De Luke Wray, août 2007 - De NAS Fallon NV, la semaine dernière : Une autorisation récemment qualifiée L'opérateur de livraison travaillait pendant une période modérément chargée lorsqu'un Navy DC-9 a appelé, demandant l'autorisation de retourner à NAS Jacksonville, FL.Le contrôleur a répondu au pilote que le plan de vol n'était pas dans le système.Le contrôleur a martelé le FDIO sans succès.La transmission suivante au DC-9 était : « VVJV…, clairance, Mam ton plan de vol n'est pas dans le système, tu veux retourner à Jax VFR ? Le pilote a répondu (en riant) « Non merci, on va déposer un plan de vol.." Du Dr Hugh David, juin 2007 - Il y a quelques années, je vérifiais l'enregistrement de la communication air-sol simulée dans une simulation en temps réel au Centre expérimental d'Eurocontrol. Vers la fin d'une simulation, je suis tombé sur le suivant : Simulateur français « Pilote » : « AF302 sur NTM maintenant. » Contrôleur allemand « AF302 Roger.Signalez les noms des hôtesses de l'air. » FSP : « Claudette Colbert et Caroline Chose. » GC : « Colbert je sais, mais qui est Chose ? » FSP : « Vous devez la connaître, c'était la troisième épouse d'Alan Delon, entre Truc et Nimporte ! GC : « Ach, ces comédiens français, ils se marient et se désmarient, je ne peux pas garder trace ! » FSP : « Bon, au moins, les comédiens français, ils épousent VIMMEN ! L'AF302 continue sa descente comme prévu." Une histoire d'un ami à BA. Il survolait Aden et a vu un cargo Aeroflot en sortir. Voix fortement accentuée sur la fréquence : "Hé, anglais, vous aviez Aden ?" BA : "Oui , Nous faisions.Pourquoi?" HAV:«J'ai dû passer la nuit là-bas, et vous pouvez le récupérer!» Un pilote d'avion léger a demandé à Heathrow quelle était la base nuageuse actuelle au-dessus de Bristol. Londres a transmis la question à un vol d'Air France près de Bristol et a obtenu la réponse:" Nous sommes à quinze mille, en bas et en bas. » Voix anonyme sur fréquence : « Vive le sport ! » Lufhansa Pilote à copilote, oubliant que la fréquence était ouverte : ici pour les docks...." Voix sur fréquence : "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR" Femme contrôleur militaire novice vers bombardier américain quittant la couverture radar, oubliant la terminologie correcte... "Vous entrez dans ma zone sombre" USB : "WHOOPEE !" Tour Contrôleur : «BA356, passez à la position 69» BA: «Oui, monsieur, nez dedans ou nez dehors?» «Mumbai, quel numéro suis-je dans la séquence d'atterrissage?" un." Et (un autre) vieux châtaignier : du pilote QANTAS au copilote atterrissant à Sydney, oubliant que l'interphone de la cabine était en direct : "Ce dont j'ai besoin maintenant, c'est d'un être froideuh et une chaude shiela" L'hôtesse de l'air se dépêche d'avancer de peur que le pire ne se produise.Chœur de passagers "Hé, tu as oublié la bière !"(Ack Dr Hugh David pour ce qui précède) De Brad White, juin 2007 - Un à partager, d'un oncle qui était dans l'USAF jusqu'à sa retraite il y a plusieurs années.Pas d'autre attribution malheureusement mais la voici.Un quasi-accident s'est produit à l'extérieur de Dulles International.La conversation s'est déroulée dans ce sens... Pilote : " MERDE ! C'était proche... " Tour IAD : " Delta 560, quel semble être le problème ? "Pilote (reprenant son souffle), "Presque miss, a-t-il déjà été proche!"Tour IAD: «Delta 560, à quelle distance était-il?»Pilote : "Eh bien, je peux vous dire une chose, c'était un garçon blanc qui le pilotait."De Mitch Reilly, mai 2007 - J'écoutais la radio, je faisais un pré-vol à MSP et j'ai entendu l'échange suivant... Mon copilote ne l'a pas entendu et m'a jeté un regard étrange quand j'ai été plié de rire.'Northwest 605' était un DC-9.'Flagship (Pinnacle) 5600' était un CRJ.L'échange s'est déroulé comme ceci... Nord-ouest 605 : "Le nord-ouest 605 demande un taxi au MSP actif."Au sol : « Taxi Nord-Ouest 605 jusqu'à la piste**, suivez le CRJ, vous serez le numéro deux. Northwest 605: "Roger, we will follow the Smurf-Jet." Flagship 5600: "At least my airplane does not qualify for an AARP membership.." (For those who don't know, AARP is the American Association of Retired Persons, and CRJ stands for Canadair Regional Jet.)From Andrew Walker, May 2007 - A friend of the family used to fly for US Air, and told us this tale of how one day his plane was one of many trying to land at a busy airport. One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there. Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with, "Bullshit!" The controller then said something to the effect of, "Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations. Please identify yourself." After a moment, one of the pilots reported, "This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit." A moment after that, another flight reported in, "This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit." One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being "negative on the bullshit." This from Tom Comeau, April 2007 - My brother is an air traffic controller, and has two favorite conversations he recounts. One of them I'm sure is a true story, because I was there when it happened; the other is completely consistent with his personality. The first was as a small General Aviation airport in the midwest. A student doing touch-and-go's reported flying past some geese on his downwind leg. The controller responded with "Skipper 3846 Sierra cleared for the option break break attention all aircraft caution watertory migrafowl reported north of the airfield." After a pause somebody responded "You mean, like, birds?" The controller, without hestitation, replied, "Yes sir!" The second was at a commercial airport in Texas. The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis." (Ack T Comeau)

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you." (Ack E Scharzmann)

A story from the late 1950's Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morning. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up." (Ack Mike)

In 1958, I was bouncing down the runway trying to land in a big cross-wind when the instructor said "I trust we will be landing soon, because my medical permit expires next Tuesday." The same year, I was flying a Navy SNB (C-45) and the instructor began laughing as he read the squawk sheet from the previous flight. It said: "Order heater for co-pilot's seat." (Ack E Pisor)

The Stapleton runways were so close together that aircraft on parallel runways had to see each other and provide visual separation before Control could issue an approach clearance. Commonly when pilots were asked if had they had traffic in sight they would lazily respond with, "I see some lights," which, frustratingly, did not meet requirements for approach clearance. One very busy night a particular crew would not report the traffic in sight. Finally the pilot said, "I see some lights over there." The controller responded in a vexed tone, "Is there an aircraft attached to those lights?" Laughing, the pilot responded, "Why I do believe there is. Thanks we have the aircraft in sight." For that crew at least, the point was made. (Ack P Davied)

United cargo jet (with female pilot): "This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy? Oakland ARTCC controller: "I don't know. I've never seen it." (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack 'a former ATC')

After being informed by a pilot cleared to land in Fayetteville that he now had two light aircraft cleared to land on opposite ends of the same runway, the controller paused and transmitted "Y'all be careful now." (Ack 'a former ATC' - he says this is true, he heard the tape.)

One very stormy morning in BOS, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: "But can you park it?" (Ack 'a former ATC')

A newly promoted Military Liaison Officer was standing the morning watch at Oakland ARTCC. His former controller team mates sent an assistant to the front desk, requesting permission from the new MLO to start the 'wind tunnels' at Moffett NAS (there weren't any of course). Not wanting to appear ignorant, the MLO granted the request. After notifying the front desk a short time later that there were reports of severe to extreme turbulence in the vicinity of San Carlos, Palo Alto and San Jose airports, the controllers watched in glee as the rookie supervisor grabbed the 'hot phone' and bellowed to the watch supervisor at Moffett (and through the loudspeakers at every other ATC facility in Oakland's area), "This is the Oakland Center Supervisor and I'm ordering you to immediately shut off that f...ing fan!" (Ack 'a former ATC')

A young, newly checked out local controller at Logan Airport granted the request of a Trans Portuguese "707" to use non-active 15R (the longest runway) for departure and cleared the plane to "taxi into position and hold". Seeing what he thought was a short pause coming in crossing operations, he told the crew to "Be ready and spool 'em up!" The old "oil burner" sat on the runway with fire walled engines belching clouds of black smoke over nearby neighborhoods for many minutes. Only when the ground controller announced that airport fire apparatus was responding to a major fire in East Boston did anyone in the tower realize that the rookie (now stirring his newly poured coffee) had forgotten the plane and everything from Orient Heights to the Mystic River Bridge had disappeared in his exhaust. (Ack 'a former ATC')

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)

the 'Fudpucker' ATC quotes

The earliest reference I have seen for at least some of these quotes in the column below is the seemingly now defunct spoof 'Fudpucker World Airlines' website dating back to June 1996 (thanks Scott). Fudpucker World Airlines (whose business I am not entirely sure of) and associated merchandise apparently date back to the 1970s (thanks D Kennedy). When and if I have more detail I will post it here. If you were a 'Fudpacker passenger' and can help clarify the history and especially the origins of the funny quotes which appeared on the Fudpucker website, please

let me know

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Funny Quotes About Air Traffic Controllers

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

(Technical explanation background for

Rich's story

: When fighters enter the VFR (Visual Flight Rules) Traffic pattern they come in at a higher altitude and aren't flying the traditional rectangular traffic pattern. There two reporting points: Initial - which is generally a position entering the traffic pattern and lined up with the runway - and Break - which is the point over the approach end of the runway at which the pilot begins a descending 360-degree turn back to the final approach course. If a controller needs to space the aircraft out to maintain separation, he/she can specify a position at which the pilot should break. IE: Break midfield (the middle of the runway) or Break Departure End (the departure end of the runway ). The approach end of the runway is the end that is most nearly aligned to the wind direction and indicates the direction of arrival and departure. The departure end is the opposite end of that runway. If you ever have any questions about ATC procedure or traffic pattern things, you can google FAAH 7110.65 and look in the pilot-controller glossary or download the entire manual in PDF. Acknowledgements to Rich.)

longer atc/aviation stories

The following excellent tale (thanks P White) is a longer story than the

quick atc quotes

above. It provides the opportunity to invite other similar submissions of air traffic control and aviation stories. If you have an entertaining or amusing story from the world of flying and air traffic communications,

please send it

From P White, 17 Sep 2008:

One of my 'older retired' friends, Andy, used to fly Avro Ansons during the war...

Shortly after VE day (Victory in Europe, 8 May 1945) he was instructed to fly some high ranking officials, including many officers of Air Commode (Commodore) rank, and various other 'shinies' of brigadier and above, to the KG200 airfield at Gatow (Berlin). Andy was flying from England, and as fuel was limited to the exact gallon, he made a careful note of the fuel required. In this case it was a near full tank to get there and would allow for a straight in approach. So, flight planned, he checked the weather report, which indicated slight change of fog, and set off. To conserve fuel, careful engine management was vital. Upon approaching the border of Germany he radioed to the airfield met office and asked for the weather report. The operator indicated he was covering for the officer in charge, and read out the weather report for the airfield. As Andy approached Berlin airspace he could see fog but no airfield. He descended with caution and asked the controller to talk him in. The instructions were precise. He wound down the landing gear, deployed landing flaps, and heard the ATC's last comment, 'good luck'. The instructions, however, were not precise enough: he could see the airfield lights away at 10 o'clock position. Realising the fuel gauges needles were all on empty he slammed the throttle and pulled the Anson round hard. Under the sudden change of direction Andy noted the groans from the Anson's airframe, and also from the Air Commodes in the back. The aircraft was pulled around - no time to line up - just plant the wheels and line up after. About ten feet before the wheels touched down the engines cut out.

I saw the entry in his pilot's log: 'Engines cut on approach - shinies spilled soup on uniform - towed off runway..."

As soon the aircraft halted, Andy and all the shinies went to the met office, to interrogate the officer in charge.

What they found was an erk covering, who had no knowledge of met operations, and who hadn't even looked out of the window to warn aircraft of the fog. He was reading the weather report from the local newspaper. No joke, all the comments were clearly detailed in the pilot's log. Could have been a very different story of course.

The morale of the tale - always look out the window when reporting the local weather - never use the Berlin Times printed the day before.

(Thanks P White)

Send your ATC/aviation stories and funny quotes

(By sending your contribution you agree to its being edited and published on this webpage. You retain ownership of the original material, assuming it's yours in the first place. Please provide details of how you'd like to be attributed.)

aircraft maintenance engineers 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' comments

These aircraft maintenance comments are allegedly from 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' which contain pilots' reports of aircraft technical problems and the responses from maintenance engineers. Various origins are suggested for these funny quotes, most popularly Qantas and the US Air Force, and more specifically Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (thanks J Williams). The earliest reference I have seen for at least some of these quotes is the seemingly now defunct spoof 'Fudpucker World Airlines', dating back to June 1996 (thanks Scott). When and if I have more detail I will post it here. If you were a 'fudpacker passenger' and can help clarify the history, please

let me know

. That said, it is unlikely that all these comments are from a single original source, especially given the mixture of technology featured, and given that some are probably military and others not. This is not an attempt to present a factually reliable or accurate listing of these alleged quotes, if one ever existed at all - it's just a list of the funniest examples. If you know the true origins of any of these - or if you were an original 'Fudpacker passenger' - please

let me know

These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.

Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.

Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer

Something loose in cockpit.

Something tightened in cockpit.

Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.

Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.

Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.

Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.

Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

Mouse in cockpit.

Cat installed.

Target radar hums.

Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]

Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.

Pilot's clock inoperative.

Wound clock.

Aircraft handles funny.

Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.

Pilot removed from aircraft.

Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Took hammer away from midget.

Suspected crack in windshield.

Suspect you are right.

IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]

IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.

Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]

Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.

Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Dead bugs on windshield.

Live bugs on back order.

Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.

Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Evidence removed.

Three roaches in cabin.

One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]

DME volume set to more believable level.

No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

That's what they are for.

another amusing gripe sheet story

My thanks to M Savage for this story. It provides an interesting example of managing a working environment, and notably the expectations/attitudes/habits of others. The tactic is not necessarily transferable everywhere, but offers the idea that sometimes a bit of humour and creativity can be a very effective intervention in changing behaviour and reconditioning attitudes:

While stationed with the USMC (United States Marine Corps) at Cherry Point, North Carolina, back in the the 1960s, I worked in a Headquarters Squadron that had three C-117s (a military version of the DC-3).

One of these aircraft had an unusual radio configuration that incorporated several circuit breakers on the bulkhead behind the pilot's head.Pourquoi? Who knows! But unfortunately we continually had many flights cancelled because of reports that the radios didn't work.

Well, the radios worked fine but some of the pilots refused to familiarize themselves with the airplane and perform proper pre-flight inspections. So they never turned on the radio circuit breakers.

After signing off about fifty gripes by saying "no problem found", I did something one day that cured the problem..

I signed off the aircraft yellow gripe sheet with the following comment: "Short between the pilot's headset".

This was an obvious comment on the deficiency of brain matter in the pilot's head. Well, that got me chewed out royally by the squadron maintenance officer, who I was told later had laughed uncontrollably after I left his office. The problem was solved though, because the negligent pilots were made the butt of so much teasing that nobody again forgot to turn on those circuit breakers.

(Thanks M Savage, former USMC Sergeant and later a long-time commercial pilot and flight instructor - 24 Sep 2010)

I welcome further contributions of your own original amusing airtraffic control stories, pilot stories, and engineering 'gripe sheets' and aircraft maintenance stories.

Send your contribution

. By sending your contribution you agree to its being edited and published on this webpage. You retain ownership of the original material, assuming it's yours in the first place. Please provide details of how you'd like to be attributed on this page (eg, name and title, or just initials, whatever) and a little background about the story, and briefly explain any complex jargon/abbreviations.Merci.