Air Traffic Controllers Funny Quotes

aviation quotes - recent additions - warning: occasional fruity language p>

Due to the nature of these stories, the flight terminology below may not always be technically correct, and may also be edited or explained in parts for the benefit of non-aviation folks. p>

I am grateful for these ATCs and aviation quotes and stories sent to me by various people. Thank you. please keep them coming. p>

By Zany Afandi (August 2017) p>

One evening during the month of Ramathan (Ramazan) when most Muslims fast during the day, I was about to start eating and drinking. We were looking forward to dinner that we hadn't eaten during the day. Meanwhile, a Turkish airline pilot contacted our tour and said, “good evening Suli Tour”. Unfortunately, because I was very busy eating and the food was very hot, I got very distracted, and after hearing the call I unwittingly answered the pilot "GOOD MORNING SIR". It was around 7:30 p.m. local time. After a short pause, he replied: "p>

captain Goodbye, and good flight p>

". He thought I was in the air p>

From J Patterson (October 2016): p>

I was in the RAF in the early 1960s, stationed at Changi, Singapore. (Seletar was the nearby civilian airport.) I was working as a technician in the local ATC when an American plane took off, circled the airfield, then called Changi tower.. The somewhat relaxed pilot asked , "Say am friend I'm pointing in the right direction for Seletar..." p>

by R Hankin (June 2016): p>

during my National Service (1959-1961) I spent the majority of it in the tower at RAF Debden, an airfield steeped in WW2 history, but by the time I got there it was quieter a lot in operational terms. occasionally pilots posted in Debden for a 'ground' visit (i.e. not flying) wish to get into the air. They did so by stealing an old aircraft based in Debden - a double. piston-powered Avro Anson "tail draggers" (i.e. two main landing gear wheels and one non-retractable rear wheel) such a pilot, returning from a leisurely journey over the Anglian countryside is a sunny afternoon, abandoned an approach to land because he saw only two cockpit lights as an indication that the landing gear was down and locked. With panic mounting in his voice, he requested a low pass on the tower so that a visual inspection could be made of the perceived problem with his nose gear (wheel). It was only after an exasperated sigh from the controller that the pilot lifted the realization that he didn't have a... p>

From S Dee (November 14, 2011): p>

lesson of making assumptions.. p>

I overheard this amusing exchange while waiting for passengers to board my island hopper, July 2010, Penzance field, UK.. p>

tour of light aircraft (in a posh English accent): "Penzance tower, Cessna light G123 request approach instruction and landing?" Penzance tower (in a broad Scottish accent): “G123, Penzance tower welcome to my airspace, unfortunately we don't accept your class, Devier approaching heading and contact Lands End. The light aircraft tour: “Penzance tower, negative, request approach instructions, my landing approved earlier, I am with my partner and will be landing for the day. Penzance tower, “G123, which is still negative. Penzance field is a helipad. I strongly suggest hijacking the airfield end lands. "Passing aircraft, "Penzance tower, please heading to confirm Lands End.." p>

(The story above is a lesson in making incorrect assumptions - especially when misinterpreting an immovable obstacle to being mobile - in this case producing acute embarrassment that the position was motivated by a desire to impress a small friend. for a similar lesson about faulty assumptions and real obstacles see p>

stand-off story very funny marine p>

in the p>

stories p>

section) p>

By R Brown (April 19, 2011). p>

A few years ago at our Air Traffic Center we received a warning that an undisclosed number of US Air Force B2 Bombers would be crossing our [Flight Information Region] FIR at some time on any given day. . They would check with us as they entered the airspace and check again as they left. They gave us the call sign to wait, and the route was known, so it was logical to assume they would contact us at a certain time at a certain location. CALLSIGN points and reports have been changed to protect the innocent. So being famous the new "stealth" bombers we know little about it, but they would pay us the courtesy of letting us know they were there. Eric, a very capable controller with a keen sense of humor was heading, and heard, “UAE Zone, this is USAFB2. This is a courtesy call that we are about to enter your airspace. Eric replied, “USAFB2, welcome to airspaces UAE, we have you on radar 200 miles above LOTUS, hope you enjoy your visit. Without thinking the Stealth Bomber replied, "Thanks UAE, a pleasure to be... Wait - you got us on Radar 200 miles to You Shittin' me??" "It's USAFB2 positive," said Eric, "I'm shittin'. Have a nice visit.". P>

Also from R Brown :p>

I worked at an international airport in the middle a few years ago. A local hero there and a good all-rounder, Tom, in the tower got a call one day from the electric guys on their way to do their daily checks. “Tower, an electric. Clearance of request to cross the track to the Yankee. "Electric One, Turn. Hold." A few seconds later, Tom receives another call, “Tower, an electric. Request clearance to cross runway at Yankee. Tom replies "Electric One, Turn. Hold." A few seconds later, again the same call, “Ride, an electric. Clearance of request to cross the track to the Yankee. Tom replies, "Electric One -." If you look to your right you will see a Garuda 747 on the ground. If you have the balls you have permission. After a few seconds, "Electric One - Holding." » P>

And also from R Brown :p>

It was practically protocol to close the airport when the ruling Sheikh, affectionately known by expats in the UAE as Big Zed, was travelling. Tom an avid poker player sat in front of the screen. The airport has been temporarily closed to traffic and aircraft are on standby, waiting to open within minutes, when Tom received a call, "Abu Dhabi, this is XYZ12, we are requesting permission to land immediately." Tom advises, “XYZ12 waiting for the moment, the track will be available in 10 minutes, as previously indicated. The same request persisted repeatedly for several minutes, culminating in XYZ12 attempting to play its trump card. “It's XYZ12, we have a VIP on board, and he insists that we be allowed to disembark immediately. "XYZ 12," Tom said, "I go to your VIP and you raise a VVIP, and he insists you won't be 'Big Zed?' asks XYZ12. "Affirmative", says Tom, to which the answer is heard, "This is XYZ 12 advice please when the track is available." P>

From Hal (April 19, 2011): p>

when training (as a young lieutenant in the US Navy in 1967) at NAS Beeville, Texas, we were tasked with adding three night bombing flights to the air-to-ground program, which had previously been day-only. the took the first four flight to the target which was located about 80 miles from Beeville between Alice and Laredo. Upon arrival we found the target completely obscured in fog and had to return home. Our ops officer decided we needed to provide some simple weather observation training for people in the range, so a WX guy [weather specialist - WX is morse code for weather] drove down and gave give the crew a short two or three hour lesson on how to report the weather. Th next time I had a flight there I called the range and asked them what the weather was like. The range guy says, “Sir, the weather is clear, visibility 1/16 of a mile. I couldn't figure out what that meant, so I asked him what the visibility restriction was. He replied: "Why, sir, it is dark..." p>

And also from Hal :p>

It was in 1990 when I was a 727 instructor for Delta Airlines in Georgia. On a 727 trainer working in Augusta, we were hammering landings in the VFR pattern when the tower told us to extend into wind to follow a US Air Fokker on a straight-in approach. I called back and told the tower I would take the interval and that I had the Messerschmidt in sight. The chocked Mike laugh lasted until I turned the base.. p>

(Hal also added -. You heard the old joke about the former fighter pilot telling a high school class about dog fights with German fighters in WWII the pilot continued and about the fight against the Fokkers when the teacher interrupted and told the class that the Fokker was a German fighter model. the pilot said, "Yes, but those Fokkers were Messerschmidts.." p>

from Jim (August 2010): p>

in 1978, I was an air traffic trainee under supervision at Collage Texas station, Easterwood Tower. This is a true story of a radio discussion one afternoon:. p>

Unknown Aircraft: "Hello..?" Tower Easterwood (me): "Please say again." UA: "What?" ET: "Who is it?" UA: "This is Joe" ET: "This is Easterwood Tower, where are you" UA: "I'm on the plane" (I was looking at the flight line, checking to see if anyone was sitting in a plane parked at messing with the radio, I can't see anything, and the main controller was!. more and more between ested in my handling of the situation) ET: “Joe, where's the pilot? UA: "It came out when the engine quit.." (I couldn't imagine a weird scenario where the pilot had jumped out of the plane.) ET: "Joe, what's your speedometer read? » AU. (long pause) “? zero" (so the plane was now in a stall I thought) AND: "Joe, whatever you have in front of you - a stick or a flywheel - pushing it forward - you need for airspeed on your wings “UA: “Are you sure” and: “Yes Joe you have to push forward... (pause)...!? What does your speedometer now read? UA: "It's still zero" (I thought, oh my god, Joe's plane was in a spin from falling leaves.. I couldn't help it. Joe was going to die. I didn't know what to do I was looking at the main controller. He said, "Ask him where his plane is.") AND: "Joe, where is your plane? UA: "We're parked down at the end of the runway, the pilot got out when the engine quit and headed for the hangar.." ET "Joe, get the radio down" p>

From Sue (July 2010): p>

I heard this on the radio during my cross-country flight today. I don't give the call sign of the plane because the trainee is in enough trouble already.. p>

Controller: Got you on radar, status of your intentions. Pilot: Can I fly in circles sir? Controller: Negative, you are in busy airspace at the moment. Pilot:. Alright, I'll fly in the straight lines p>

From Dr P Rutherford (May 2010): p>

happened while I was serving in Vietnam. As our unit had particularly strong radio equipment, we were often tasked with listening to various networks in order to back up ground or air crews experiencing communication difficulties due to a number of reasons. One particular conversation had me in stitches for hours. I don't remember the callsigns so I'll call them A and B. A Callsign (ground crew): “Callsign B. What is your Over position”. Callsign B (Birddog aircraft): "I'm in the Hat Dich Over area.". A Callsign: "Say your Over position again". B Callsign: "I'm in the Hat Dich area, I repeat, Hat Dich Over area.". A Callsign: “Sorry Say location start again. ". B Callsign: “I'm in the hat - as in the head - Dich - as in the head, area above. A Callsign: "Roger Out". P>

From AW (Mar 2010): p>

I met an SR-71 pilot a few years ago. (SR-71 is the USAAF advanced "stealth" reconnaissance aircraft known as the Blackbird). He told me this story of his first flight with a new co-pilot: an SR-71 and the crew was flying over Southern California when a Smasher bug hit the airwaves in a Dorky voice: Cessna 152: Ground Control, What's my speed? Ground Control: 100 to FL 100. Moments later, an arrogant voice came: Mooney M20: Ground Control, What's my speed? Ground Control: 240 at FL 240. At this time, the SR pilot was boiling, but since communications were his new co-pilot's duty, he remained silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the quietest voice imaginable the co-pilot typed: SR-71: Ground Control, What's our speed? Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800. There were no more speed checks called that afternoon, and the pilot knew he had a cool partner in the back seat p>

By Dave (March 2010). p>

I was told this story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 pilot (USAAF fighter jet) requested clearance to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic ATC told him he would have to hold off. After a repeated request for takeoff by the F-4, ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft half the length inside the runway, he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold on. To ATC's surprise, the F-4 pilot recognized the tower and began taxiing. At the midpoint mark the F-4 went vertically upward until it reached 14,000ft, then leveled off. ATC had no choice but to put the pilot back on departures and wish him a great day, as he had fulfilled the conditions laid down. ATC said he was the darndest thing he had ever seen p>

From Stewart (March 2010). P>

Due to take off from JFK airport in New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were on the eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the planes, probably experiencing a slight problem, a voice on the radio said, “Damn! JFK from air traffic control (angrily demanding to know): "Who the fuck said?" The first plane in line (a callsign): “I didn't say fuck. Quickly followed by the second line (gave callsign): "I didn't say fuck." Then the third, and all of us, one by one, giving the same "I didn't say FUCK" response. P>

Another time we were on the fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our biggest Boeing planes. JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a shortcut and begin its take-off run by joining the main runway of a taxiway that requires us to wait to take off and clear. "How did you like them apples?" he said on local VHF, he started his take-off run. Boeing had a warning horn for major issues that you can test. Halfway along the B737's takeoff run, "someone" held their cockpit mic to the horn and squeezed as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a stop, the (pneumatic) tires smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you find the apples..?" P>

From L Miller (January 2010): p>

British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt am Main. The tower controller, obviously in a frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Captain nice landing, but a little left of center-line, I think." Lightning quick, the BA captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tour perfectly correct. I'm a little left of centre-line and my co-pilot is a little right...." p>

KingAir was coming to spin (lift-off runway) on takeoff when there was a huge hit and the right engine caught fire. After stamping on the rudder to adjust asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through engine fire drills with considerable composure and poise, the stress took its toll on the captain... He conveyed to the tower in a friendly voice: “Ladies and Gentlemen There's no problem at all, but we're just going to land for a good cup of tea. then he went to the intercom cabin and shouted to the passengers: "Mayday Mayday Mayday engine fire Prop no feather If I can't hold this asymmetry we're going to emergency landing Get it out of the crash crew ....... “. The plane landed safely with the hair of the passengers standing on end p>

The late Captain Mickey Munn -. Fellow fine all-rounder, very experienced pilot and, at the time, Sergeant in the Red Devils (UK Parachute Display Team Regiment) - was piloting a Britten Norman Islander to jump from altitude with a full load of hairy paratroopers arsed piled up in the back of the plane. With no warning at all, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he got the plane under control. As soon as the plane was straight and level, he turned to his passengers and said, "Phew I think you should chaps..." But his words as he tailed away gaped at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paratroopers had jumped out of the plane and were by then floating serenely back to earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale. (Thank you L Miller for these three wonderful stories.) P>

From P de Bromhead, December 2009: p>

My late father, who was on Fleet Air Arm Buccaneers, told this story involving a pilot operating on an exchange arrangement from a developing country overseas. My dad was sitting waiting for the clearance takeoff when he heard the interchange pilot somewhere asking for a "rollover" from the ATC (air traffic controller). This was duly given and after a few minutes a second was asked "carrying". This was the same as the first and after a third and identical "bearing" was requested and given, ATC asked the exchange pilot if he had any visual references. The pilot replied that he had a haystack on his starboard side, at which point it appeared he was lost on the taxi path p>

From S Smith, Nov 2009:. P>

was working local control for runway 25 that afternoon at LAX and a pilot reported a "flock of gulls" on final approach. Without hesitation, I replied, "Is it the gang or the birds?" I got absolutely no response from the pilot...I guess everyone has a sense of humor p>

And in the same vein, from J Douglass, Nov 2009:p>

(December 2007, Seattle Washington) p>

Pilot: "Boeing Tour, Cessna 761 Alpha Uniform for a Mercer Alpha Niner departure with X-Ray information." Tower: “Cessna 761 Alpha uniform cleared for takeoff, runway 13 right, flying Mercer departure. Pilot: “Cessna 761 Alpha uniform cleared to take off, taxi. 45 seconds later... Co-pilot: "Boeing turn, please be advised, there is a flock of seagulls near the south end of runway 13 right at 400 feet." Tour: (singing) "And I was running, I was running so far...I was running, I was running all night and day...I had to go.." Pilot: "Cessna 761 Alpha uniform has humor." .“. Tower: (hysterical laughter) p>

(. the lyric is incidentally from the chorus of the 1982 hit song: 'I was running' by a herd of Seagulls) p>

by Chris, Jul 2009:p>

What happened to the small but busy Sarasota airport in Florida in 1975. The tower was open from 6 am to 10 am and most of the traffic was during the day. There was a domestic flight in every evening around 8.30am and often had a prankster behind the wheel. One particular dark night after the Tampa transfer is approaching hears them speak from the comptroller: "Sarasota, National123 ride with you...(pause)...Guess where?." The controller quickly turned off all the lights in the airport - there were no others - and replied, "National123 - Sarasota tower - Guess where...?" After a silence of about fifteen seconds, the chastened National pilot returned: "Sarasota tower this is Domestic Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 10.3 DME on 300 degrees inbound radial for landing.." the controller turns on the lights and clears the pilot to ground p>

and another from Chris.: As a controller at a small, busy airport in Florida, my story is of a student pilot talking to the ground one IFR morning (IFR stands for Instrument Flight Rules, necessitated by a cloudy sky). At the time the transmission was made, there was a ceiling of 800 feet (cloud) with 2 miles visability in light haze. Here is the communication - student pilot: ground, this is student pilot N12345, and my instructor wants to know what the height of the ceiling is in the tower. Ground controller: Cessna...he's 12345 on eight and a half feet. There was then a break in which both an Eastern pilot and a National pilot made similar comments. The student pilot returned to the radio. student pilot: OK.. my mistake.. what is the weather ceiling at this time? Ground controller: 800.. covered p>

R Dillon sent the following, March 2009: p>

A controller at Nashville, Tennessee airport told me of an incident several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small plane) for landing. As the Cessna turned toward final approach, an airliner called "over the marker" (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway long before the plane was going to land, so he cleared the plane to land as well. Seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot centered his microphone, and in a low voice said, "Don't look back!" ... » p>

P white, Sept 2008, sent p>

this beautiful story, in the stories plus section below p>

J Mears, Aug 2008, sent this amusing exchange between pilot and engineer via the Technical Fault Report Forms... We received an error report from the pilot of an HH-60 Pave Falcon (research helicopter gunship and safety). The pilot's fault report stated, "Pilot's side seat cushion will not cushion." The corrective action engineer on the response form stated "Put driver on fat boy program..." From E Haigh, March 2008 - Thought I'd let you know at a time when I was in the eros doing some the air (Aerobatics) and backtracking in the circuit as one of my other friends was going into the dirt...when in contact with the runway the friend's plane veered to the left and is crashed, narrowly avoiding a large, very deep pond, just to the left of the track at the taxi stop. The pilot still managed to report: "the runway vacated..." The airfield had a fit of laughter, and fortunately, although the plane was not seriously mutilated, a radiation injury was sustained. From DG, Feb 2008 - At initial pilot training bases for the military, the landing pattern tends to be packed (sometimes as many as 12-15 planes for a runway) and some of these planes are flown by solo students (yes, a $4 million piece of taxpayer money being thrown around a strip of concrete at a speed of 200 knots by a 23-year-old new kid from college with less than 30 hours of flight). Anyway, I was sitting a watch in the runway control tower on a particularly busy day, when one of my class buddies, who was flying solo at the time, pipped with a PIREP (pilot report) for model: solo: "This is solo 72, there is some turbulence at the starting point." Controller: “Thanks for the warning. Some flight instructor also in the model: “It's called wake turbulence. (The term "starting point" refers to approximately 3 miles from the runway, used to prepare the landing alignment. The term "wake turbulence" refers to air turbulence caused by other aircraft.) From "an airplane mechanic", Jan 2008 - My instructer for my a & amp; P (and Airframe Powerplants) training told a funny story from the 1980s...he had landed in Egypt to refuel the Gulfstream he was piloting. On takeoff, he noticed a guard standing in what looked like a refrigerator box. With the guard behind him my instructor Goosed the throttles - who sent the head guard to heels for about 20 yards... p>

From Rich, November 2007 (popular non-atc might want p>

read the technical explanation first p>

) - This supposedly happened although I was off duty during the move, so I can't verify it. An F-4 with a Colonel at bat entered the tower pattern at Osan AB, Korea, and wanted landing priority due to its rank and position. The tower controller was busy recovering the F-4s and OV-10s, not to mention the plane that was on final approach with approach control. The controller sequenced the F-4 and gave it a point to report. The pilot refused stating that "It was his airport and he wanted to land" (it was not his airport, he would later learn of a 3 star and 1 star). Control says “(acft call sign), since you cannot follow ATC instructions, hold 5 miles north of the airport. Maintain radio silence, unless an emergency situation exists. Minimum approach fuel ratio. The plane's response was "Roger Tour, we are number 5 and will report a late start break." The controller did not escape the situation unscathed. He had to take some pretty severe chewing, but there were no more problems like that. Especially when busy. And another one from Rich - This is a actually passed on my watch. Brand new intern in the facility at a base in North Dakota. He scans the runway with binoculars and tells the local controller that he has a “dog” on the runway. The local controller indicates a B-52 on final, “Circulate. Dog on the trail. I told the trainee that he might want to let me know what breed the dog was, since I had never seen a dog with antlers. The "dog" was a 2000 lb, bull moose. This guy still takes bulletproof on that one, although he deserved a save to catch it before the rest of us did p>

By Bob Andersen, November 2007 -. In November 1996 I was in an Angel Flight Piper Cub going to Tampa International Airport. I was there because I got a call from Tampa General Hospital that a heart would be ready for me. Angel Flight planes are volunteered free of charge to transplant recipients. The pilot called the tower and told them who we were. ATC said we couldn't land because President Clinton was there and the Secret Service, don't let us land. (This was right after his fiasco in California with his 400 dollar haircut.) The pilot told ATC he would call the press and TV stations and let them know a cardiac recipient couldn't land because POTUS (President of the United States) was there. I think they thought about the bad publicity and said they support it and let us land, and they escort us to the hospital. However we felt this was not a good idea due to ground traffic wanting to get a glimpse of Clinton, so we had to use the general airport instead. We made it, and I got to the airport and the hospital on time. In the end the heart was no good there but I waited another few weeks and finally got a heart on the 7th Jan It was a big heart you can see I am still alive almost 11 years after the operation. (Je tiens à remercier Bob Andersen - illustrant que la persistance, la détermination, et la capacité d'adaptation peuvent surmonter les obstacles les plus redoutables.) De Dennis eaux de pluie, Octobre 2007 - je un (presque) ATC personnel / conversation pilote Je pensais partager avec tu. J'étais un gars de la météo à l'US Air Force à la fin des années 80-début des années 90, et pendant que je plaçai à RAF Woodbridge en Angleterre, je souvent accroché avec un contrôleur dans la cabine de la tour juste au-dessus de notre bureau. Cet homme a partagé une histoire avec moi qu'il lui est arrivé personnellement réclamé. Je ne peux pas garantir à 100% l'authenticité de cette histoire, mais le gars était généralement croyable ... De plus, un détail ou deux pourrait être brouillée par ma propre mémoire défectueuse au cours des 15-20 dernières années, mais voilà: mon ami, dit-il a été la formation d'une recrue ATC - Je pense qu'il a dit qu'il était sorti à Nellis AFB. Quoi qu'il en soit, un jour ce gamin prend un appel d'un aéronef demandant l'autorisation de FL 800 (80.000 pieds) ... Rookie (dégoulinant de sarcasme): « D'accord, champion - si vous pensez que vous pouvez lui prendre ce haut, foncez !! » Pilote du SR-71 sur l'autre extrémité de la radio: « Roger contrôle, DESCENDING maintenant de 100.000 pieds FL 800 .... » De Luc Wray, Août 2007 - Du NAS Fallon NV, la semaine dernière: Un Clearance récemment qualifié opérateur de livraison travaillait une période modérément occupé quand un dos DC-9 appelé Navy, demandant l'autorisation de NAS Jacksonville, FL. Le contrôleur a répondu au retour pilote que le plan de vol n'a pas été dans le système. Le contrôleur martelait le FDIO sans succès. La transmission à côté du DC-9 était: « VVJV ..., jeu, mam votre plan de vol ne sont pas dans le système, voulez-vous revenir à Jax VFR Le pilote a répondu (en riant)? » Non merci, nous allons déposer un plan de vol .. » de Dr Hugh David, Juin 2007 - Il y a quelques années, je vérifiais le record de communication air-sol simulé dans une simulation en temps réel au Centre expérimental Eurocontrol Vers la fin d'une simulation, je suis tombé. ce qui suit: français Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 plus MFO maintenant." contrôleur allemand « AF302 Roger. Les noms de rapports de stewards « FSP: « Claudette Colbert et Caroline choisissez parmi les » GC « Colbert Je sais, mais qui est choisi » FSP: « Vous devez la connaître, elle était la troisième femme d'Alan Delon, entre Truc et Nimporte »! GC: « Ach, ces acteurs français, ils se marient et démarier, je ne peux pas suivre! » FSP: « Eh bien, au moins, les acteurs français, ils se marient VIMMEN! » ... (longue pause) ... GC: " AF302 continuer la descente comme prévu « une histoire d'un ami en BA Il survolait Aden, et a vu un cargo Aéroflot grimpant voix très accentuée sur la fréquence:.. « Hé, anglais, vous avez utilisé pour Aden » BA: » Oui , Nous faisions. Pourquoi « HAV: « ? Ai ont dû passer la nuit là-bas, et vous pouvez le récupérer » pilote d'aéronef léger demandé Heathrow pour la base des nuages en cours sur Bristol Londres relayée la question à un vol Air France près de Bristol et a obtenu la réponse. »! ve sont à quinze mille, et le fond « voix anonyme de la fréquence: « Vive le sport » Lufhansa pilote de co-pilote, en oubliant que la fréquence était ouverte: » Nous avions l'habitude de trouver la Tamise, et retourner ici pour les quais .... » Voix de la fréquence: « ACHTUNG SPITFEUR » Novice contrôleur militaire féminin à bombardier américain en laissant la couverture radar, oubliant la terminologie correcte ... « Vous entrez dans ma zone sombre » USB: « WHOOPEE » T our contrôleur: « BA356, passez à se tenir 69 » BA: « Oui, monsieur, nez ou à nez » « Mumbai, quel numéro suis-je dans la séquence d'atterrissage » « au moment où vous atterrissez, monsieur, vous serez numéro? a. « Et (autre) chenue châtaigne: pilote QANTAS à l'atterrissage à Sydney copilot, oubliant l'interphone de la cabine était en direct: » Ce que je besoin est maintenant un soit à froid er et un shiela chaud » se précipite en avant Stewardess de peur que le pire Befall. Choeur des passagers « Hey, tu as oublié la bière! » (Ack Dr Hugh David au-dessus) De Brad White, Juin 2007 - Une à part, d'un oncle qui était dans l'US Air Force jusqu'à sa retraite il y a plusieurs années. Aucune autre attribution, malheureusement, mais ici il est. Une quasi-collision a eu lieu à l'extérieur de Dulles International. La conversation se le long de ces lignes ... Pilot: « Ce DAMN était proche ... » IAD Tour: « Delta 560, ce qui semble être le problème » Pilot (reprenant son souffle), « Près miss- est-il toujours proche! » IAD Tour: "Delta 560, à quel point était-il?" Pilot: « Eh bien, je peux vous dire une chose, il était un garçon blanc voler il. » From Mitch Reilly, May 2007 - I was listening to the radio, doing a preflight at MSP and heard the following exchange... My co-pilot did not hear it and gave me a strange look when I was doubled-over laughing. 'Northwest 605' was a DC-9. 'Flagship (Pinnacle) 5600' was a CRJ. The exchange went like this... Northwest 605: "Northwest 605 request taxi to the active MSP." Ground: "Northwest 605 taxi to runway **, follow the CRJ, you will be number two." Northwest 605: "Roger, we will follow the Smurf-Jet." Flagship 5600: "At least my airplane does not qualify for an AARP membership.." (For those who don't know, AARP is the American Association of Retired Persons, and CRJ stands for Canadair Regional Jet.)From Andrew Walker, May 2007 - A friend of the family used to fly for US Air, and told us this tale of how one day his plane was one of many trying to land at a busy airport. One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there. Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with, "Bullshit!" The controller then said something to the effect of, "Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations. Please identify yourself." After a moment, one of the pilots reported, "This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit." A moment after that, another flight reported in, "This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit." One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being "negative on the bullshit." This from Tom Comeau, April 2007 - My brother is an air traffic controller, and has two favorite conversations he recounts. One of them I'm sure is a true story, because I was there when it happened; the other is completely consistent with his personality. The first was as a small General Aviation airport in the midwest. A student doing touch-and-go's reported flying past some geese on his downwind leg. The controller responded with "Skipper 3846 Sierra cleared for the option break break attention all aircraft caution watertory migrafowl reported north of the airfield." After a pause somebody responded "You mean, like, birds?" The controller, without hestitation, replied, "Yes sir!" The second was at a commercial airport in Texas. The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis." (Ack T Comeau)

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you." (Ack E Scharzmann)

A story from the late 1950's Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morning. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up." (Ack Mike)

In 1958, I was bouncing down the runway trying to land in a big cross-wind when the instructor said "I trust we will be landing soon, because my medical permit expires next Tuesday." The same year, I was flying a Navy SNB (C-45) and the instructor began laughing as he read the squawk sheet from the previous flight. It said: "Order heater for co-pilot's seat." (Ack E Pisor)

The Stapleton runways were so close together that aircraft on parallel runways had to see each other and provide visual separation before Control could issue an approach clearance. Commonly when pilots were asked if had they had traffic in sight they would lazily respond with, "I see some lights," which, frustratingly, did not meet requirements for approach clearance. One very busy night a particular crew would not report the traffic in sight. Finally the pilot said, "I see some lights over there." The controller responded in a vexed tone, "Is there an aircraft attached to those lights?" Laughing, the pilot responded, "Why I do believe there is. Thanks we have the aircraft in sight." For that crew at least, the point was made. (Ack P Davied)

United cargo jet (with female pilot): "This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy? Oakland ARTCC controller: "I don't know. I've never seen it." (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack 'a former ATC')

After being informed by a pilot cleared to land in Fayetteville that he now had two light aircraft cleared to land on opposite ends of the same runway, the controller paused and transmitted "Y'all be careful now." (Ack 'a former ATC' - he says this is true, he heard the tape.)

One very stormy morning in BOS, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: "But can you park it?" (Ack 'a former ATC')

A newly promoted Military Liaison Officer was standing the morning watch at Oakland ARTCC. His former controller team mates sent an assistant to the front desk, requesting permission from the new MLO to start the 'wind tunnels' at Moffett NAS (there weren't any of co urse). Not wanting to appear ignorant, the MLO granted the request. After notifying the front desk a short time later that there were reports of severe to extreme turbulence in the vicinity of San Carlos, Palo Alto and San Jose airports, the controllers watched in glee as the rookie supervisor grabbed the 'hot phone' and bellowed to the watch supervisor at Moffett (and through the loudspeakers at every other ATC facility in Oakland's area), "This is the Oakland Center Supervisor and I'm ordering you to immediately shut off that f...ing fan!" (Ack 'a former ATC')

A young, newly checked out local controller at Logan Airport granted the request of a Trans Portuguese "707" to use non-active 15R (the longest runway) for departure and cleared the plane to "taxi into position and hold". Seeing what he thought was a short pause coming in crossing operations, he told the crew to "Be ready and spool 'em up!" The old "oil burner" sat on the runway with fire walled engines belching clouds of black smoke over nearby neighborhoods for many minutes. Only when the ground controller announced that airport fire apparatus was responding to a major fire in East Boston did anyone in the tower realize that the rookie (now stirring his newly poured coffee) had forgotten the plane and everything from Orient Heights to the Mystic River Bridge had disappeared in his exhaust. (Ack 'a former ATC')

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)

the 'Fudpucker' ATC quotes

The earliest reference I have seen for at least some of these quotes in the column below is the seemingly now defunct spoof 'Fudpucker World Airlines' website dating back to June 1996 (thanks Scott). Fudpucker World Airlines (whose business I am not entirely sure of) and associated merchandise apparently date back to the 1970s (thanks D Kennedy). When and if I have more detail I will post it here. If you were a 'Fudpacker passenger' and can help clarify the history and especially the origins of the funny quotes which appeared on the Fudpucker website, please

let me know

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Air Traffic Controllers Funny Quotes

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

(Technical explanation background for

Rich's story

: When fighters enter the VFR (Visual Flight Rules) Traffic pattern they come in at a higher altitude and aren't flying the traditional rectangular traffic pattern. There two reporting points: Initial - which is generally a position entering the traffic pattern and lined up with the runway - and Break - which is the point over the approach end of the runway at which the pilot begins a descending 360-degree turn back to the final approach course. If a controller needs to space the aircraft out to maintain separation, he/she can specify a position at which the pilot should break. IE: Break midfield (the middle of the runway) or Break Departure End (the departure end of the runway ). The approach end of the runway is the end that is most nearly aligned to the wind direction and indicates the direction of arrival and departure. The departure end is the opposite end of that runway. If you ever have any questions about ATC procedure or traffic pattern things, you can google FAAH 7110.65 and look in the pilot-controller glossary or download the entire manual in PDF. Acknowledgements to Rich.)

longer atc/aviation stories

The following excellent tale (thanks P White) is a longer story than the

quick atc quotes

above. It provides the opportunity to invite other similar submissions of air traffic control and aviation stories. If you have an entertaining or amusing story from the world of flying and air traffic communications,

please send it

From P White, 17 Sep 2008:

One of my 'older retired' friends, Andy, used to fly Avro Ansons during the war...

Shortly after VE day (Victory in Europe, 8 May 1945) he was instructed to fly some high ranking officials, including many officers of Air Commode (Commodore) rank, and various other 'shinies' of brigadier and above, to the KG200 airfield at Gatow (Berlin). Andy was flying from England, and as fuel was limited to the exact gallon, he made a careful note of the fuel required. In this case it was a near full tank to get there and would allow for a straight in approach. So, flight planned, he checked the weather report, which indicated slight change of fog, and set off. To conserve fuel, careful engine management was vital. Upon approaching the border of Germany he radioed to the airfield met office and asked for the weather report. The operator indicated he was covering for the officer in charge, and read out the weather report for the airfield. As Andy approached Berlin airspace he could see fog but no airfield. He descended with caution and asked the controller to talk him in. The instructions were precise. He wound down the landing gear, deployed landing flaps, and heard the ATC's last comment, 'good luck'. The instructions, however, were not precise enough: he could see the airfield lights away at 10 o'clock position. Realising the fuel gauges needles were all on empty he slammed the throttle and pulled the Anson round hard. Under the sudden change of direction Andy noted the groans from the Anson's airframe, and also from the Air Commodes in the back. The aircraft was pulled around - no time to line up - just plant the wheels and line up after. About ten feet before the wheels touched down the engines cut out.

I saw the entry in his pilot's log: 'Engines cut on approach - shinies spilled soup on uniform - towed off runway..."

As soon the aircraft halted, Andy and all the shinies went to the met office, to interrogate the officer in charge.

What they found was an erk covering, who had no knowledge of met operations, and who hadn't even looked out of the window to warn aircraft of the fog. He was reading the weather report from the local newspaper. No joke, all the comments were clearly detailed in the pilot's log. Could have been a very different story of course.

The morale of the tale - always look out the window when reporting the local weather - never use the Berlin Times printed the day before.

(Thanks P White)

Send your ATC/aviation stories and funny quotes

(By sending your contribution you agree to its being edited and published on this webpage. You retain ownership of th e original material, assuming it's yours in the first place. Please provide details of how you'd like to be attributed.)

aircraft maintenance engineers 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' comments

These aircraft maintenance comments are allegedly from 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' which contain pilots' reports of aircraft technical problems and the responses from maintenance engineers. Various origins are suggested for these funny quotes, most popularly Qantas and the US Air Force, and more specifically Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (thanks J Williams). The earliest reference I have seen for at least some of these quotes is the seemingly now defunct spoof 'Fudpucker World Airlines', dating back to June 1996 (thanks Scott). When and if I have more detail I will post it here. If you were a 'fudpacker passenger' and can help clarify the history, please

let me know

. That said, it is unlikely that all these comments are from a single original source, especially given the mixture of technology featured, and given that some are probably military and others not. This is not an attempt to present a factually reliable or accurate listing of these alleged quotes, if one ever existed at all - it's just a list of the funniest examples. If you know the true origins of any of these - or if you were an original 'Fudpacker passenger' - please

let me know

These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.

Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.

Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer

Something loose in cockpit.

Something tightened in cockpit.

Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.

Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.

Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.

Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.

Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

Mouse in cockpit.

Cat installed.

Target radar hums.

Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]

Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.

Pilot's clock inoperative.

Wound clock.

Aircraft handles funny.

Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.

Pilot removed from aircraft.

Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Took hammer away from midget.

Suspected crack in windshield.

Suspect you are right.

IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]

IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.

Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]

Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.

Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Dead bugs on windshield.

Live bugs on back order.

Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.

Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Evidence removed.

Three roaches in cabin.

One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]

DME volume set to more believable level.

No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

That's what they are for.

another amusing gripe sheet story

My thanks to M Savage for this story. It provides an interesting example of managing a working environment, and notably the expectations/attitudes/habits of others. The tactic is not necessarily transferable everywhere, but offers the idea that sometimes a bit of humour and creativity can be a very effective intervention in changing behaviour and reconditioning attitudes:

While stationed with the USMC (United States Marine Corps) at Cherry Point, North Carolina, back in the the 1960s, I worked in a Headquarters Squadron that had three C-117s (a military version of the DC-3).

One of these aircraft had an unusual radio configuration that incorporated several circuit breakers on the bulkhead behind the pilot's head. Why? Who knows! But unfortunately we continually had many flights cancelled because of reports that the radios didn't work.

Well, the radios worked fine but some of the pilots refused to familiarize themselves with the airplane and perform proper pre-flight inspections. So they never turned on the radio circuit breakers.

After signing off about fifty gripes by saying "no problem found", I did something one day that cured the problem..

I signed off the aircraft yellow gripe sheet with the following comment: "Short between the pilot's headset".

This was an obvious comment on the deficiency of brain matter in the pilot's head. Well, that got me chewed out royally by the squadron maintenance officer, who I was told later had laughed uncontrollably after I left his office. The problem was solved though, because the negligent pilots were made the butt of so much teasing that nobody again forgot to turn on those circuit breakers.

(Thanks M Savage, former USMC Sergeant and later a long-time commercial pilot and flight instructor - 24 Sep 2010)

I welcome further contributions of your own original amusing airtraffic control stories, pilot stories, and engineering 'gripe sheets' and aircraft maintenance stories.

Send your contribution

. By sending your contribution you agree to its being edited and published on this webpage. You retain ownership of the original material, assuming it's yours in the first place. Please provide details of how you'd like to be attributed on this page (eg, name and title, or just initials, whatever) and a little background about the story, and briefly explain any complex jargon/abbreviations. Thanks.